It's been a while. I know. But I get into these stoopers (not a word. I know Peyton *wink). I'm gonna level - I get low. Granted I've had a flood of amazing hormonal changes (HEY! We are pregnant!!! Guess I could have announced that a little more creatively...). But it effects my communication skills. Specifically here.
I clam up. And I can't STAND it! If you know me (which you might, or kind of through this space, or FB or IG...), then you know I don't stay quiet easily. That I'm opinionated (sorry hubs, but you knew what you were getting into), I don't stop talking - my family notoriously tries to hang up with me about 4 times before I actually let them go. My sitter always ends up staying 30-60 minutes post nannying to chat. That's me.
SO, for this space to be quiet, means things aren't quite right with me. Not bad - just off. I spent my time away from this space doing a lot of thinking though. Should I keep up with it? Should I wait to start the blog back up until after the baby? What should I focus on? Do I EVEN have anything worth writing? Truth is - I do. Or at least I think I do. And that should be enough.
My life has taken so many twists in the past 3 years. I can't wait to laundry list this one day, mostly for my own cathartic needs, but because I think it could help others know they aren't alone. But through all those turns, ups and downs - I've had these moments....
Super strange - where I make excuses to other parents, family and friends about decisions I have made in my personal life.
Even announcing our pregnancy. Instead of being 'Hey! We are pregnant!' And just boldly and beautifully stating it - once I got the 'are you crazy?! look (bc collectively we have 3 beautiful 5 year old boys) or the judgemental 'you should have waited.' (yep - this was said to me), I made a laundry list of excuses why it was good timing, or why we decided to get pregnant.
Truth is - Trent and I love our kids; we love one another. And we want to have a child together so we thought we'd give it a shot. If we couldn't - we'd adopt, siblings. We still may down the road. The boys? Are ecstatic. Because this is OUR baby. It is OUR family member we are welcoming. We are all being effected and all completely in love with it already.
So why the back stepping on my part? Because I wasn't 'owning it'. Something I've been trying to teach Soren from day one.
I dated this guy before meeting Trent and I remember him once telling me what a 'freak' I was and that I should 'fly my freak flag proudly'. I was like 'what?!'. I'm As plain as they get. I'm a single mom with some crazy ideas - crunchy ways and feminist ideals. I like equality - the idea that maybe one day we will put our community before personal greed. But freak? I am not.
He chuckled and said 'it's not a bad thing. I'm not saying you are crazy - we all have a freak flag. We just choose not to fly it proudly.' I hate to admit this because he and I definitely butt heads A LOT, but he's right. Own it. Fly it.
I'm not a perfect parent. I am learning how to be a step-mom, something I have no idea what I am doing (there are these weird, crazy boundaries. Like you are the person between the cool Aunt, the teacher, authority figure/safety net that loves unconditionally, but not mom. It's super cool and I LOVE it - but it's hard). I am learning to be a co-parenting mother (letting go is so hard) and I'm about to be a new mom, again - after 5 years. My head spins in circles around work, school, and children's schedules. And I haven't mastered any of it. I choose to do things differently than others - I know. I am realistic about my abilities and learning to be more honest about it.
But I think we could all stand to simply #ownit a bit more, don't you? We could all use a little more personal honesty and humiliation.
authored by Chelsea Crutcher