Living with the Food Police

I was never much of a health conscious person growing up.  My parents didn’t allow me to devour sugar all day, but we would eat out just like most families.  A Friday night pizza, a monthly Sunday lunch, and maybe a parental date to some place special.  I used to think that I was a pretty healthy person….until I met my wife.

I have now entered the uncharted territory of food “snobbery”.  Don’t take this as an attack, this is just how my wife (self-proclaimed) describes it “…my glazed and braised Brussel sprouts with my Lemon Pellegrino… ah snob snob snob”.  While making a kissing motion with her hands and lips.  I spent 4 years eating “food product” and MREs from the military, so when I started coming home to freshly cooked meals and organic products, I had no idea what I’d gotten myself into.

I asked Chelsea for some food pics to give an idea of what I eat now ▲

And what I considered food pre-wife ▼

 (she completely lost her cool when reading the ingredients - 'our government thinks THIS is acceptable nutrition for soldiers putting their life on the line?!?!)

I was the classic guy who would go to the grocery store and find whatever was the cheapest.  Needless to say, I'm no longer allowed to get groceries by myself.  Chelsea and I would be at the store to get something as simple as bananas….

TO MYSELF:  No way I can mess this one up, there is only one type of banana!  It’s either a banana or it isn’t!

…I bring this lovely bundle of bananas back to the cart only to be met with a face of disgust from my wife.

CC:  Um…you have got to be kidding me, those are hegemony bananas!

TC:  No, I’m pretty sure they are Chiquita bananas

CC:  Exactly!  They are made off the sweat and tears of farmers in a country (Jamaica, maybe... I think)  where they aren’t even allowed to sell their locally grown bananas because of the global monopoly Chiquita (or Dole.  Geez, I don’t know) has on bananas!  We definitely don’t support that so go put them back!

At this point we usually find the 1 banana that was hidden under a pile of turnips (that’s where they hide them because let’s be honest, nobody likes turnips - even my food snob wife) and we pay the same price for that 1 banana as we would have for the 17 bananas that I originally picked out.

  This is a common scene in our household.  I'm not the only one benefiting from the food snobbery.  The kids do too.  They make trips to Findlay Market for fresh produce, dairies, meats and baked goods on average twice a week!  They've been introduced to so many flavors (both 'mmm, yummy!' and 'tastes yucky to me...')

This is a common scene in our household.  I'm not the only one benefiting from the food snobbery.  The kids do too.  They make trips to Findlay Market for fresh produce, dairies, meats and baked goods on average twice a week!  They've been introduced to so many flavors (both 'mmm, yummy!' and 'tastes yucky to me...')

All jokes aside, Chelsea really has changed the way I look at food.  I now take notice of the ingredient labels and whether or not the food is non-GMO (Genetically Modified Organism, ‘chemical seeds’ as she says, 'If a bug won’t eat it - and a bug will eat poop, so we are clear - then we shouldn’t eat it' in reference to pesticides).  She is also very good at finding exactly what we need and still pinch pennies.  She has brought to light things about the food industry that I had no clue about.  On top of my new found respect for my wife and her food prowess, I can honestly say that I have never eaten better in my life!

authored by Trent Crutcher